Edge of Insanity

The buzzing noise of family suddenly comes to an end. In a house filled with void, there is nothing but silence. A tired mind is jubilant to kill time alone. I go out regularly for tea breaks, lunch breaks and other breaks without being held answerable to anyone. One day just flies by. I read a few pages of a new book, watch two movies and ate all my tongue craved for. I was a free man. The first day comes to an end. It seems that this the kind of life I want to live. Marriage is more of a committed imprisonment than a journey of the strides. I had all the things lined up for tomorrow to spoil another day aimlessly. Then the scales of mental balance shifts towards a side: a side to start doing regretful things that I know will hurt a lot later. But I am unable to put a leash on my mind. The prayer and the meditation become a pretence. Distraction goes out of control. Surrendering to a remorseful thing becomes a nerve-racking inevitability only to make a forced choice for concession. When it's done, calmness is momentarily attained. Then the leakage of guilt begins to flow from somewhere around the corner. My conscience plugs it to avoid further drainage. I lie down and relax. I close my eyes just to forget and let go what happened. But it pushes back. The wave of guilt becomes overwhelmingly powerful and hits hard. I press my eyes hard and fight aimlessly to avert the visions of the shameful act.

A deep breath, followed by another one, and another, for five times. Repeat.

The frown held between the eyes gets gradually released. The pandemonium within decreases. The pulsating nerves gets relieved. The heartbeats normalize. But the breathing continues...

I am not out of this prison yet. The inner struggle is subsided. The stream of realization begins to flow. Marriage was a conscious choice. It's foolish to be picky about it. It's okay to be mad at times just like it's good to happy at times. It's part of the package. Therefore, loneliness is not the answer to harmony. It's about maintaining balance being together. There is no hard drawn line for being happy. It's about taking every moment as it comes and embrace it: a conscious action instead of annoyed reaction.

My family returns. I am out of prison.

Nights of Whirlwinds

Dejected over the long text chats,
Demoralized in the online meetings,
That are driven late into the nights
Along the steep curves of insanity -
With the people on the other side
Of the sunrise, exchanging cold words
Fueled by foggy perceptions.

Discouraged to hold my head high
By the whirlwinds of anger and despair
Born of overwhelming frustration
Day in and day out for months on end -
Testing the limits of fragile perseverance.

Yet the battle with righteousness endures,
Striving to make the wrong things right.
When the nagging troubles are vanquished,
The taste of victory is profoundly savored,
Releasing tranquility from banishment.

Then one day, destiny calls -
One meeting with the same people,
On the same side of the sunset.
And that made all the difference!

May 10, 2025

Bliss

I stand before you, bare and naked
As an offering you might like;
As nothing else could stand a chance
For worshipping your enchanting beauty.
I do not have the slightest courage
For seeking your blessings to embrace you,
For I cannot stand in the presence
Of the divine energy dazzling in your eyes.
Thus, I have shed my skin of torture
Renouncing the world of pleasures
To experience your spirit that pervades
The whole Universe of all creation.

Engulf me in your arms swaying the cosmos,
To help me vanquish my malicious thoughts
And be guided by the beacon of wisdom
Obscured within the depths of intuition.
Let there be a reminder in my conscience,
Every second of every day by introspection
That there is no other form of happiness
Than being in your abode of eternal bliss
Spanning throughout the universe.

While I am aware that my mind is blind
In ignoring your everlasting presence,
It doesn't leave me alone until I become a slave to it.
So, help me draw my focus back to yourself,
And lure me towards the touch of your ecstasy
When I lose my reins to the spurious exhibits of joy
Painted by the army of habitual offences led by desire.

It is ironic to give you up for the sake of dark forces
But your arms are always open for me upon my surrender.
I am left in an abyss of confusion that sucks me down
During the tug of war that ensues for choosing a side:
Either the body ruled by lust, limited by unrelenting ego,
Or the soul that reflects your Omnipresent Spirit.

Light the path again that leads to your shelter,
And I will tread it entrusting myself in your able hands.
My breath whispers your name as a prayer with every step
While I begin experiencing the Oneness with you.

Advaita

Advaita

To the seeker of truth,

Wake up from your dream;

The dream of false reality

Staged by your senses.

Wake up from your slumber;

The slumber of dreaming

With your eyes closed.

Free your mind,

Let go of the veil of illusion;

The illusion painted by

Your worthless ego.

The ego has blinded you and

Obscured the vision of reality.

Lose yourself; shed everything

That you think you have

To know that you have nothing.

Look inside yourself to learn

And realize that what you

See, hear, touch, taste,

Think and feel is one big lie.

Unlearn that this life is permanent

And learn about its fickle nature.

Let your thoughts transcend

Beyond the realm of your body

And discover that your soul

Is no different than

The Spirit of The Universe;

Where life comes and goes

Round and round in an endless cycle.

Believe that only this knowledge 

Of Self-realization is permanent.

Become aware that you are

An indivisible speck of dust

Within the infinite universe.

Still the mind; stop its clamor

From grief and desires.

Accept that you are nothing

And yet you are everything

Both within and without.

Even with your eyes wide open,

Pure consciousness pervading the cosmos

Since the beginning of time

Will be enlightened within you

To experience eternal bliss.

And this is The Ultimate Truth.

July 14, 2022

Book Review: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

The plot of the story is battle between the pure intellectuals and pure socialists. It describes at length about dispute between two extremes: socialism and objectivism. I found this hard to believe because if individuality is one aspect, then social responsibility is another. These two concepts do overlap at a certain point. Otherwise, without objective, you cannot earn a livelihood and still contribute to society.

Another problem I had reading this book is its enormous length; I felt it was overdone. Rand has used her power of vocabulary to describe same things again and again with different lines, different passages with different sub-plots which makes the chapters redundant. Hence it took me more than an year to finish reading it. From the beginning, all the chapters inch towards the climax: "This is John Galt Speaking"; this chapter could have been a hundred page novel all by itself. It doesn't strike the right chord just by repeatedly intensifying to same issue and drag it to this point. I was tired and almost ready to give up. The work could have been more engaging by being more concise. Yes; the major problem of this novel is its length. With all this criticism, I acknowledge that there are some notable quotes, eye catching lines and passages that really nudges your soul.

It would have been worth your time if the book was cut short to explain its principles, not otherwise. If you really want to enjoy reading Ayn Rand's work on objectivism, try The Fountainhead.