Edge of Insanity

The buzzing noise of family suddenly comes to an end. In a house filled with void, there is nothing but silence. A tired mind is jubilant to kill time alone. I go out regularly for tea breaks, lunch breaks and other breaks without being held answerable to anyone. One day just flies by. I read a few pages of a new book, watch two movies and ate all my tongue craved for. I was a free man. The first day comes to an end. It seems that this the kind of life I want to live. Marriage is more of a committed imprisonment than a journey of the strides. I had all the things lined up for tomorrow to spoil another day aimlessly. Then the scales of mental balance shifts towards a side: a side to start doing regretful things that I know will hurt a lot later. But I am unable to put a leash on my mind. The prayer and the meditation become a pretence. Distraction goes out of control. Surrendering to a remorseful thing becomes a nerve-racking inevitability only to make a forced choice for concession. When it's done, calmness is momentarily attained. Then the leakage of guilt begins to flow from somewhere around the corner. My conscience plugs it to avoid further drainage. I lie down and relax. I close my eyes just to forget and let go what happened. But it pushes back. The wave of guilt becomes overwhelmingly powerful and hits hard. I press my eyes hard and fight aimlessly to avert the visions of the shameful act.

A deep breath, followed by another one, and another, for five times. Repeat.

The frown held between the eyes gets gradually released. The pandemonium within decreases. The pulsating nerves gets relieved. The heartbeats normalize. But the breathing continues...

I am not out of this prison yet. The inner struggle is subsided. The stream of realization begins to flow. Marriage was a conscious choice. It's foolish to be picky about it. It's okay to be mad at times just like it's good to happy at times. It's part of the package. Therefore, loneliness is not the answer to harmony. It's about maintaining balance being together. There is no hard drawn line for being happy. It's about taking every moment as it comes and embrace it: a conscious action instead of annoyed reaction.

The family returns. I am out of prison.